To pretend or not to pretend
by galindaby
Summary: How Remus and Tonks could have got together after the scene in the hospital wing.


Tonks walked through the door of her apartment. She had rented the room in the Hogshead as soon as she had been told that they would position her in Hogsmeade. She had moved out of her flat in the centre of London for she saw no reason why she should stay there. After all, who should want to visit her? Months of depression had taught her parents to know better and wait for her to come instead of stepping in on her crying. Therefore she couldn't be mad at them, it wasn't exactly a nice view. Moreover she didn't want them to come and talk to her. She didn't want anyone to talk to her. Maybe for the exception of Molly Weasley, but just when she needed it really badly. When she could help it herself, she just retreated in her bedroom and did nothing but staring at the ceiling and crying. But sometimes it hurt so much that she felt she couldn't handle it alone and that was the time when she longed for the encouraging words of Molly. In contrary to her parents, Molly didn't tell her that it was stupid to shed tears over being rejected by a werewolf. Tonks didn't need to her any more prejudice, but someone who knew Remus and understood that he deserved every ounce of what she was feeling for him. He was so good that in fact he even was too noble for his own good, his own happiness. The thought of him brought her to tears again.

She hadn't had any intentions to embarass him in front of most of the order, or the kids, by the way. But when she saw Fleur fighting with Molly for her fiancé, for her love and how she was able to care for him, she just couldn't take it any more. Why couldn't she care for Remus in that way? Why did he have to push her away, licking his wounds all alone? It was unfair. But well, so was life, wasn't it? Maybe she should just deal with it like everyone else and accept that she wouldn't get what she wanted, no matter how badly she actually longed for it. Remus would never see how much he meant to her. She could imagine him in thirty years, walking past her on a street and saying 'she'll get over it'. He was so stubborn. She knew he said the same thing when it came to her, but at least she kept fighting for something she wanted more than anything else in this entire world. Even if he didn't love her, what she at least hoped wasn't the case, there were more terrible things than a young woman loving you. There was no need to avoid her like Voldemort in person. He could treat her like a friend, he owned her that. But to tell the truth, she hadn't given him much of a chance to do so. Whenever she had seen him, she had had an outburst like the latest in the hospital wing. Maybe it was time to give in.

She knew she wouldn't stop loving him, but she could at least act like she did, couldn't she? Probably he would be happier that way. And maybe there was a chance that he stopped avoiding her if she did so, that he acted like a friend once again. Better to have him around believing they were just friends and there was nothing more to it than not seeing him at all. So Tonks decided to make this her new behaviour towards one certain Remus Lupin. She wouldn't push him any more. She had already done too much of it, she could see that now. It had no effect and it wouldn't make him fall for her all of a sudden if it hadn't by now. And now that her decision was made, she swallowed down the tears that threatened to flow again and made her unsteady way down the stairs to have a drink with Aberforth. After all, his brother just died a few hours ago, if he wasn't already drunk, it wouldn't do any damage for tonight if he became so.

When she arrived downstairs, she found Aberforth at the bar, pouring himself a good measure of firewhiskey.

"Hey, Aberforth. Can I join you?"

"Why not? Sit down."

He slurred a little and Tonks was quite sure that this wasn't his first drink this night.

"How are you doing?"

"Well, he was my brother, wasn't he? I won't pretend that we were very close all the time, but that doesn't change the facts, does it?"

"There you're probably right."

Without another word they took their glasses and emptied them in one go. Tonks felt her head spinning from the unusual amount of alcohol and took a few deep breaths before she faced another glass. So she and Aberforth drank for a while, the latter falling asleep with his head on one of the empty tables, murmuring something in his sleep that she couldn't understand properly. She wasn't sure if she would even want to understand it. Just when she was about to rise from her uncomfortable wooden chair, the door swung open. To her utter surprise it was no other than Remus.

"Remus? What the hell are you doing her?"

She tried to focus, but the several glasses of firewhiskey made it impossible to even stand without swaying.

"Tonks? Are you alright?" He frowned slightly at the slurr in her voice and her unsteadiness.

"Yeah, everything's just fine. I had some drinks with Aberforth, but... well, I didn't count them, maybe I'm a little drunk..." She giggled at the thought. As giggling wasn't something Tonks usually did – especially not when the greatest wizard of all times just had died and he had turned her down once more – he decided that she was definitely drunk. His plans to talk to her were somehow ineffectife if used against a drunken Nymphadora. Sighing, he took a step in her direction to suggest that she should lie down a bit, when she suddenly broke down. There had been no warnings, no signals that this was to come and Remus had problems catching her before she hit the floor. He guessed that the events of the last hours and the general stress of a war finally showed and carried her upstairs. There weren't much rooms in the Hogshead and the door to her's stood open from when she decided to suppress her feelings for their friendship's sake. Remus couldn't know this and probably he wouldn't have cared if he had. So he put her down on the comfortable bed and sat down next to her. He grabbed for her hand and wondered what he would do if she wouldn't wake up. It was a horrible thought and he tightened his grip subconsciously. A low moan followed and Tonks moved slightly. Remus jumped and when he looked at her he saw how he held her hand so tightly it went white. As quickly as possible he moved it away and watched as Tonks slowly drifted back to sleep.

The next morning he was still at her side. But this time he was asleep as well, one arm protectively around her ridiculously small waist. The first rays of sunlight hit her and Tonks awoke with a growl. Her head felt like it was about to burst and something heavy lay on her stomach. When she opened her eyes slowly, she recognized that the thing laying on her was the arm of Remus Lupin and that the person this arm belonged to was half stretched out on the bed and half sitting. It looked like a very uncomfortable position and Tonks decided to wake him as soon as she knew how she would act. Should she stick to her decision to treat him like a friend? Or did the fact that he fell asleep on her bed mean something? For example that he loved her? She wasn't sure. It would probably be better to act on the we're-just-friends-thing for if he really came here to tell her that he loved her and wanted to be with her, than he would do so soon enough.

Acting on her plan, she sat up very carefully – her head still ached like hell – and removed his arm from her waist. The simple touch was enough to wake him though. After a few moments of blinking, he finally turned to her and gave her a weak smile.

"Good, you're awake. You scared me when you just broke down without any warnings."

"Sorry. I guess it was just too much."

"Perfectly understandable. How do you feel?"

"My head is probably going to explode any minute, but otherwise I'm fine."

She did her best to fake a bright smile, but obviously she failed miserably for he suddenly frowned at her.

"Are you sure that you're alright?"

"Of course I am. Thanks for watching over me, you didn't have to. What led you here in the first place?"

"I wanted to talk to you..."

The frown got deeper with every word she said.

"So talk, I guess there's a lot to do today, we don't have that much time."

Tonks turned away from him as fast as her headache would let her. If he wanted to start that argument again, she wasn't sure if she would hold her promise and act like she didn't love him.

"I don't think that's something I can explain in a few minutes."

Curious, she turned back to him. It had never taken him much time to tell her off, so there was hope that he would say something else this time. As he felt her questioning eyes upon him, he blushed a little and fought for words.

"I... After you left yesterday, I thought about what you had said. I still think that us being together isn't a good idea, but if you really don't care... I mean, if even Dumbledore is murdered so easily... It could be one of us any time, now more than ever. And I don't want to die without knowing what it's like to wake up with you beside me. I know that I'm probably too late, that I hurt you too much. And it's likely to be the most selfish thing I've done in years, but... I love you, Dora, and I don't want to lose you, neither by the hands of a Death Eater when I could have been there protecting you, nor by my own behaviour."

Tonks felt the tears swell, but for the first time since Sirius' death it was out of joy, not sadness.

"If it's like this I should change my plans."

"What plans?"

"Well, I couldn't get you to be with me, so I thought we could at least be friends. It would have been better than you avoiding me all the time."

He blushed a little deeper.

"I'm so sorry, Dora. I know I hurt you and I promise I won't do it again. I will give us a chance and I really hope that we'll make it."

His eyes finally met hers and she saw that he was being honest with both of them for the first time in over a year. She couldn't suppress a grin any longer.

"Okay. I accept your apology an I take your oath seriously. Don't you dare leave me ever again, or I am forced to hex you to the other end of the world."

"I won't, I promise."

"Then do something to make me believe you."

Her eyes had a mischievous expression and Remus simply had to laugh. The first real laugh since he lost Sirius. Since things became complicated. As he leaned in and kissed her with all the love he had been hiding for nearly two years, he found that he had been the one to make them complicated in the first place. And when Tonks kissed him back with the same passion and love, he thought that actually, things were ridiculously easy.

Please review, or the next one will be sad again ;)


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